How to How not to prepare for a recital

Do:

• Dress comfortably
  
• Warm up several minutes before showtime with scales and arpeggios
  
• Keep hands warm
• Talk to the others to keep your mind straight
• Take deep breaths, meditate
  
• Above all else: Keep calm

Don't:

• Wear your tight little red dress just because it's a size four and you don't want to accept the fact that you're now a size six after Thanksgiving, thereby leaving your literally breathless. √
• Warm up several minutes before showtime - but with the piece you're about to play, thus racking your brains, raising hellish doubt, and causing you to panic. √
• Try sitting on your hands, thereby squeezing all the blood out and leaving them white, lifeless, and limp. √
• Mutter to yourself about how few hours you've spent practicing, and how doomed your performance is going to be, and how sure you're going to fail √
• Ask your teacher for the n^th time how many people are in the audience, so you can count them as they fill up the seats. √
• Take deep breaths only to become so nervous you forget to breathe and feel dizzy within a few minutes (that dress isn't helping) √

Looks like my score isn't too good...